Man Crush of the Week: Brayan Pena
This should be Phil Mickelson here. I just wasn’t feeling it. As neat as him being old and likable and having a great family and winning the British Open is awesome, it’s not nearly as awesome as the nipples of the backup catcher for the Detroit Tigers.
Over the last few weeks I have fallen in love with his Twitter account. From his love of America’s Got Talent to his love of capital letters to being a great person, he is something completely rare in sports today, a guy who seems actually grateful for being a professional athlete and even seems to love every minute of it.
And then there are his nipples.
When he was trying to support Joaquin Benoit in winning the final spot on the All-Star roster he posted a picture of him pointing at the shirt, which clearly looked like he was pointing at his nipples. And he now probably has the most famous nipples in all of baseball.
And he can’t stop talking about his NERTS. Like this tweet. I literally have no idea what he’s talking about, but it makes me love him even more. I mean, just try to break down that tweet. You can’t. It’s impossible. He’s the best.
Then this week with Miguel Cabrera on the bench recovering from an injury Cabrera decided Brayan Pena would like a Fig Newton. Unfortunately, Brayan Pena does NOT LOVE FIG NEWTONS.
With the awfulness of the Biogenesis suspensions about to overshadow the rest of the baseball season, having someone like Brayan Pena makes it seem less terrible.
Now let’s TALK about some AWFUL Biogenesis STUFF!!
Douchebag of the Week: Ryan Braun
So this was clearly coming and I’m not even all that worked up about it. To make the story short, Ryan Braun tested positive for being super manly a couple years ago, said it was the mistake of the guy keeping his urine, cheated some more, and decided to take a vacation.
That’s essentially what happened here. Braun is now pretty much cool with the league after accepting the suspension for the remainder of the rest of the season, which really means he can get out of Milwaukee, rest his thumb, and go do whatever people with millions and millions of dollars do to pass the time.
I mean, sure, a lot of people do not like him at all. I’ve always been relatively okay with steroids. The players are risking their health to be better and make their teams better (and earn more money). It’s why we watch the professionals, because these are the people who have made themselves the best at playing a game. (Pause for my existential oh-my-god-sports-don’t-really-matter moment of the day). The guy didn’t kill someone. He just tried to be even better at baseball.
But the problem with Braun is he is Lance Armstrong but the face of a city and not a former guy-who-rode-a-bike-sometimes. He denied he did steroids, held big press conferences, and the whole time was lying to everyone. I’d be pretty upset if I were his teammates. I suppose this is the other side of doing everything you can for the team is sometimes you get caught. But when he said he wasn’t and everyone had his back? It’s douchey.
Maybe I’m just burnt out on the steroids stuff or it’s because we knew this was probably coming for a while or it’s because Braun is getting off relatively easy but nothing about this case has particularly shocked me. Ryan Braun is a douche. We knew that.
The whole thing just makes me unenthused. Let’s just talk more about Brayan Pena’s nipples.